The following
advisory for
American travelers heading for
France was
compiled from information provided by the
U.S. State Department, the
Central Intelligence Agency, the
U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the
Food and
Drug Administration, the
Center for Disease Control and some very
expensive
spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is
intended as a
guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of
accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign
country situated on the
continent of
Europe, and is for all intensive purposes fucking
useless. It is an
important member of the
world community, although not nearly as
important as it thinks. It is bounded by
Germany,
Spain,
Switzerland and
some smaller
nations of no particular consequence or
shopping
opportunities. France is a very
old country with many
treasures such as
the
Louvre and
EuroDisney. Among its contributions to
Western
civilization are
champagne,
Camembert cheese, the
guillotine, and
body
odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation,
air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent
Mexican food. One continuing
exasperation for American visitors is that
the people willfully
persist in speaking
French, although many will
speak
English if shouted at repeatedly.
The People
France has a
population of 54 million people, most of whom
drink and
smoke a great deal, drive like
lunatics, are dangerously
oversexed and
have no concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people are
generally
gloomy,
temperamental,
proud,
arrogant,
aloof and
undisciplined; those are their
good points. Most French
citizens are
Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behavior. Many
people are
Communists and
topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes
have girls' names like
Marie and they
kiss each other when they hand out
medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear
baseball caps and colorful
pants for easier mutual recognition. All
French women have little
tits, and don't shave their
armpits.
Safety
In general, France is a
safe destination, although travelers are advised
that France is occasionally
invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French
surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary
shortage of
Scotch whiskey and increased difficulty in getting
baseball scores and
stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as
before. A
tunnel connecting France to
Britain beneath the
English
Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French
government to flee to
London.
History
France was discovered by
Charlemagne in the
Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are
Louis XIV, the
Huguenots,
Joan of Arc,
Jacques
Cousteau and
Charles de Gaulle, who was
President for many years and is
now an
airport. The French
armies of the past have had their asses
kicked by just about every other country in the world.
Government
The French form of
government is
democratic but noisy.
Elections are
held more or less continuously and always result in a
run-off. For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into
regions,
departments,
districts,
municipalities,
cantons,
communes,
villages,
cafes,
booths and
floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the
Upper and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the
ground
floor), whose members are either
Gaullists or
communists, neither of
whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal pre occupations are setting
off
atomic bombs in the
South Pacific and acting
indignant when anyone
complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence,
the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is
not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their
culture, although it is not easy to
see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever
made a
movie that you want to watch for anything except the
nude
scenes. Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French
novel (except
perhaps an evening with a French family.)
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much
garlic you put on it, a
snail is just
a
slug with a
shell on its back.
Croissants, on the other hand, are
excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to
pronounce this
word. American travelers are therefore advised to stick to
cheeseburgers at
McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading
hotels
such as
Sheraton or
Holiday Inn. Bring your own
beer, as the
domestic
varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.
Economy
France has a large and diversified
economy, second only to Germany's
economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at
all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over
lunch, they are
on strike and blocking the
roads with their
trucks and
tractors.
France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are
wine,
nuclear weapons,
perfume,
guided missiles,
champagne,
high-caliber
weaponry,
grenade launchers,
land mines,
tanks,
attack aircraft,
miscellaneous
armaments and
cheese.
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a
picturesque and varied
landscape and a
temperate climate. In short,
it would be a very nice country if French
people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still
radioactive from all the
nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that
it is not
Spain. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally,
we always take our vacation in
Miami Beach and you are advised to do the
same.
Thank you and
good luck.
Taken from an anonymous forward I received a while back...author unknown.